'Akhirnya paling serius' sudah, lalu 'setelahnya paling serius' apa?
Skripsi adalah perjalanan paling mengurasi emosi dan tenaga sepanjang 22 tahun kehidupanku.
Dosbing lama dengan revisinya yang menuju tak terbatas dan melampauinya.
Pandemi yang memacetkan arus dan mengobrak-abrik alur.
Anjing yang meninggal saat aku sedang sayang-sayangnya.
Uang uang uang uang lalu bekerja ala mahasiswa pada umumnya. Sebetulnya sudah umum, tapi itu sungguh di luar dugaan dan rencana. Akibat bayang-bayang kekayaan masa lampau.
Muzizat pergantian dosbing.
Twitter yang penuh dengan sambat sampai dengan tulus merasa bersalah dan malu.
Merenungi jumlah langkah aku tertinggal dari sebayaku yang sudah lulus lalu bekerja.
Menjadi sangsi akan kepintaran. Ternyata aku bodoh.
Setiap hari membuat-buat pembenaran diri agar tetap waras.
Aku tetap tidak tahu apa yang ku tulis dalam 70 lebih halaman itu.
It's early this year because I want to post this the same day with Spotify Wrapped which is out today (ok, yesterday because I can't finish writing the post on time)! I'd made my own nominations yesterday (2 days ago) to compare with Spotify so the rankings will be more objective and data based LOL (cry in undergraduate thesis).
Some of the songs from my Spotify Wrapped aren't 2020 releases so I'll need to exclude them. Also, I don't always listen to music from Spotify, sometimes I listen more from JOOX/YouTube so the Spotify Wrapped is only a comparison.
Songs of the year aren't only songs I listened the most (on repeat, which I think is Spotify Wrapped's way of judgement) but also about the meaning, songs that describe this year the most for me; songs that are basically the OSTs of my life.
Just like last year's, I'll make Top 10 (that usually consists of more than 10 songs duh), honorable mentions (good songs I don't listen too often), and 2019/older songs I still listen a lot. I will add a new category: 2020 discovery, that will consist of new music (singers, songs, albums, genres) I find this year and grow to love <3
Without further due, let's get it~!
10. Sejeong - Whale
My healing song, a song that helps me going through so many upsetting moments this year. Sejeong won my heart back after forgetting her since IOI disbanded. Whalemakes me want to try again, keep pushing forward, and believe life will get better. The chorus feels like saying goodbye to our sad days, a start of something new. I always feel hopeful and a lil bit more cheerful after listening to Whale, not to mention Sejeong's soulful voice. This year my fav soloists like HyunA, Sunmi, and Chungha don't release anything that suit my liking so re-finding Sejeong is such a God-gift.
Another happy-go-lucky song of 2020. I've been following SF9 since their debut but not really stanning because sometimes I'm head over heels for their songs like Easy Love, Now or Never, and Good Guy but hate RPM, O Sole Mio, and MAMMA MIA. Thankfully, this year they release Summer Breezethat hit all the right spots in my ears. Every lines are sung beautifully by each members, there are many catchy killing parts, and the performances are good too (they can sing live).
My favorite from all the good OSTs of Hospital Playlist! You Alwaysis a song I always run to whenever I need a booster for my mood. It's like an ice cream, sweet and addicting. Being Hospital Playlist OST, listening to it brings back memories of the drama, so many memorable scenes, warm and touching. I can't wait for the Season 2 OSTs!
Another happy song by such a happy band consists of crazy guys LOL. N.Flying is a band I grew fond of since 2019 with their hit song Rooftopbut this year I dig deeper into their amazing discography. I find myself liking their cheerful songs more than the sad ones, somehow the opposite of Day6. Actually their song that made into my Spotify Wrapped big 10 is It's Fine, but it was released last year so I choose Oh Really instead. Oh Really is a fun song to have fun with, it's one of the song I never skip on my playlist because I know it will be fun!
This song turned me into a Goldenness, my fandom of the year (I'm a multifandom). Lately is not a title-track but it sure has the potential (wasted, lol). What stands out the most for me when I first listened to it is Golden Child's vocals! It's insane that Lately has quite a fair line-distribution because it's a vocal-heavy song. Only Golden Child can do that for sure, they have a solid vocal line, 6/10 of them can pass as main vocalist.
Oh, Lately is my #1 most played song on Spotify Wrapped! Yeah, I replayed it so much because I was obsessed with Joochan's vocal duh :") it's so beautiful... Also, Lately kinda sounds like Infinite's songs (they're from the same agency, Woolim Entertainment). I stopped listening to it when my dear dog died, because I used to listen to it with her... but these days I've managed to listen to it again without crying.
I remember re-discovering ONF last year with We Must Love and Why, this year they also have awesome releases: New World and Sukhumvit Swimming. I really really love their music, the EDM touch and overall uniqueness. Hoping 2021 will be their year.
5. Everglow - LA DI DA
What I love about LA DI DA is the emphasize on vocal, Everglow past title-tracks used to have EDM chorus which are good, I love Dun Dun but I still like it more when singers sing.LA DI DA also has mesmerizing choreography and the live performances are very enjoyable, I love everything about the song.
This year I listen more badass, girl-crush songs rather than cutesy ones but it also because there weren't much good cutesy songs. Oh My Girl's Nonstop and Dolphin aren't my jams. We can't possibly call IZ*ONE - Secret Story of The Swanas cute, right? I love love that song!! I don't want them to disband T_T
If in the beginning of this post I said, "OST of my life", SLUMP is THAT song. Wait, okay all the songs in this list are but SLUMP is like the main OST, maybe the OST when an episode ends with cliffhanger, the credits are being played continued by next ep's preview. The background music when the conflicts are getting to climax. LOL. Like the lyrics are crazy, it describes my life drama perfectly haha...
Stray Kids have an amazing journey in 2020. They release bops after bops with no pause. More than SLUMP, I actually listen to Levanter more. That song is... sad but hopeful but was released last year so yeah... and of course I jam religiously to God's Menu and Back Door. Please keep making bops, 3racha <3
3. Hoppipolla - Enough
It calms the storm beneath my skin. Enough is very peaceful and heavenly. Hoppipolla helps me getting through my worst days in 2019 and 2020 and I believe in the upcoming years too. Ha Hyunsang's voice is so healing, it's like a drug but also like an angel's.
2. Day6 - Afraid
For the big 2, I don't have much to say. This year is extra. It's unlike every other years I've ever lived. I also have to work on my final thesis so yeah, I listen A LOT to Afraid because I'm almost always afraid 24/7. I need to project that emotions and feelings. I cry a lot listening to this. I scream a lot singing to this. It's crazy how much this song helps. Thank you, Sungjin <3
1. IU - Eight (prod. SUGA)
Nothing compares to the feelings I get when I first listened to Eight. I was happy, sad, and every other things. My heart felt like it was going to explode because it couldn't contain and process all the feelings. It became even more relatable and close to my heart after my dog died...
"So are you happy now?" is a question I ask myself almost on a daily basis and I want to cry everytime because I don't know the answer. The confusion is perfect to describe 2020. So many things happened and didn't happen. So many things changed and remained the same.
2019 and older Songs on Repeat:
ATEEZ's songs LOL (esp Say My Name, Wave, and Promise)
Day6 Entropy album (esp Not Fine, Not Mine, and Like a Flowing Wind)
JJ Project - Tomorrow, Today
Taeyeon - Fine
Zico - Human
Super Junior D&E - Growing Pains
Jonghyun - End of a Day (cover by Crush)
TXT - Our Summer
2020 Discovery:
Baek Yerin
Han Yo Han
Official HigeDandism
Rina Sawayama
Paul Kim
Crush
Sandeul B1A4
Stella Jang
notes: discovery doesn't really mean I just came to know them this year, I already knew some of them for long but in 2020 they finally release music that suit my ears so I became very invested, interested, sometimes obsessed and turned into a fan LOL *which means maybe next year they'll make into my top 10 <3
Life's been... really really hard. I've cried everyday for more than 3 weeks now. But I'm fine, I cope well.
I watch Harry Potter for the 1st time in my life, read fanfictions about Draco and Hermione, watch lighter korean dramas instead of the heavy ones, I cry instead of bottle it up inside, I seek out for helps from my friends instead of isolating myself, I also don't hide too much from my family although I badly want to.
I listen to any kind of music instead of just the sad ones. I eat, I do skincare and even haircare. I work. I work on my thesis. I do so much better than I thought I could that night when she died.
My beloved dog, Cathy, passed away 3 weeks ago. It was the most heartbreaking, depressing, and any bad words happened in 2020 among all the bad stuffs. I won't talk in details but... it sure changed me. I learned a lot, especially about how strong I am as a human.
I still face breakdowns, suicidal thoughts, self-harm idea, constant self-blaming, blah blah blah but I notice this is so much better than who I was before. Maybe it's slow. Maybe it's not spotlight worthy. But at least, I myself can acknowledge it. I'm 100% conscious about what I experienced.
All credits are for God though I don't directly come to Him.
Hey, it's been quite long not writing here. But I guess you're my forever safe space, a place I can write whatever without the fears of being judged. I have a difficult day, all I wanna do is sleep but yeah I can't. I took a nap but what I want is 12+ hours of sleep. It's impossible to do at home with my parents there. By the way I hate this blogger's new interface, the fonts are so small.
I contacted my thesis supervisor this afternoon after gathered all my courage but like he always did, he let me down. He's easy to contact, always fast responding but his responses... are discouraging. I feel like all my prayers, effort to be hopeful again, meditations, and sleepless nights went in vain the second I read his response. Will I ever g r a d u a t e ?
Yesterday I incidentally read mom's chats with sis. She asked her to remind me frequently about my thesis, specifically to contact my supervisor regularly. So I did, but look what happened. He told me to held a fxxxing FGD in the midst of pandemic?! Which just another way to say: wait until the vaccine is found then you can continue your research. Even a field observations are still prohibited by the uni, how the hell I can held a FGD? Yes maybe I can but it really goes against my morals and principles. I'm not Anies Baswedan.
Moreover, the FGD is needed to gather all the stakeholders to finish their conflicts which... is not the purpose I'm doing my thesis? Like, it's not that I don't care about Pasar Papringan but, who am I to intrude? I don't think I have the right to finish their problems? I just want to finish my study?!?! Not someone else's problems?
Isn't it LOGICAL, REASONABLE, WISE, COOL, AND SOLUTIVE to do online research in this kind of situation? Why can't him let me do that? Why is he so unhelpful? Why is he my supervisor?
Now tell me, which way I should go next... ah, the privilege to have a supportive supervisor :")
Aku berkawan akrab dengan nelayan sejak Natal yang lalu, tidak dalam arti yang sebenarnya, penyakit batuk dan sakit tenggorokan yang tak kunjung pergi ini membuatku harus selalu menyediakan permen "Fisherman's Friend" di tas, pertolongan pertama jika batuk tidak mau berhenti karena tenggorokan terasa gatal. Berteman dengan nelayan ternyata cukup bermanfaat, sekarang aku jadi suka minum madu gara-gara rasa permen yang "honey lemon" ternyata sangat enak! Aku juga jadi lebih sedikit mengonsumsi makanan ringan, bye bye kalori berlebih...
Hari ini aku sedang duduk santai di dekat jendela besar belakang meja kerjaku di kantor (aku sedang magang di Spedagi Movement, NGO yang kuteliti untuk skripsi) sambil menggulir timeline Twitter dan melihat sahabat terkerenku Putal me-retweet sebuah artikel Magdelene tentang (tentu saja) feminisme, saat kemudian otakku yang gemar bekerja secara random menayangkan suatu informasi dari masa lampau: dulu aku pernah terpikir, kenapa Putal tidak ingin menjadi penulis padahal dia seorang kutu buku berat dan tulisan-tulisannya bagus. Memikirkan itu membuatku teringat juga dengan jawaban Tepani, sahabat asrama terproduktif, ketika kutanya apakah dia berniat menjadikan menulis sebagai karir, Tepani menjawab 'tidak'. Selanjutnya pikiranku mengembara pada tugas-tugas magang yang membuatku mengalami stres terpendam: stres yang tidak terlihat di permukaan tetapi sebenarnya sangat merongrong kedamaian jiwaku sampai-sampai tidak bisa tidur padahal, tugas magangku adalah MENULIS! Ya ampun... Otomatis aku juga jadi tersadar bahwa; kalau aku memang suka dan ingin jadi penulis, harusnya aku tidak malas-malasan menulis skripsi.
Ya, lagi-lagi hidupku sungguh patut dipertanyakan...
Setelah selesai bersantuy di dekat jendela, aku kembali mengerjakan tugas dan tanggung jawabku ketika sebentar kemudian Pak Singgih, founder Spedagi Movement, bertanya,
"Kamu memang dari dulu tertarik kerja di kota kecil?"
Iya Pak
"Kenapa? Kan jarang ada orang yang seperti itu."
Ehm... lebih tenang aja Pak, tingkat stresnya lebih rendah.
Ya, aku tidak berbohong sih, itu memang salah satu alasannya. Tentu ada alasan-alasan lain, yang merupakan perenungan tak berujungku sejak semester 1; aku pengen kerja di Temanggung/Magelang aja, karena ya... emangnya sukses harus di kota besar? Terus orang yang sukses di kota kecil disebutnya apa? Emang ga ada orang gagal di kota besar? Sukses dan gaji besar tapi nggak bahagia, apa gunanya? Iya sih pasti ada banyak orang yang sukses dan bahagia di kota besar tapi emang aku harus pengen kayak gitu juga? Pasti ada juga sih orang yang gagal dan depresi di kota kecil, yang nyesel ga merantau juga banyak. Tapi... tapi despite it all aku nggak pengen hidup di kota besar. Aku mau mengabdi pada dua kota yang membesarkanku, mau dekat dengan orangtua dan nenek, dan segenap tetangga yang menemaniku tumbuh... Boleh, kan?
Mungkin yang perlu aku lakukan sekarang dan ke depan adalah melakukan yang terbaik yang aku bisa, menunjukkan bahwa aku bisa berhasil walau tidak di kota besar. Ngomong-ngomong soal melakukan yang terbaik, kayanya aku harus jujur bahwa aku jarang banget melakukannya. Efek kekecewaan masa lalu yang masih membekas (aku pernah melakukan yang terbaik dan gagal). Sekarang aku malah biasa melakukan yang terbaik buat hal-hal yang 'receh' atau hanya untuk sesuatu yang aku sukai. Misal, aku niat banget kalau bikin instastories: edit di tiga atau lebih aplikasi, bahkan pake acara revisi! Bikin artjournal juga niat banget. Latian padus juga I do my best. Meanwhile di hal-hal lain yang sebenarnya adalah tanggung jawab utamaku, aku malah males-malesan: skripsi, nyiapin portofolio buat cari kerja, cari murid les, ngebantu ortu, dan merawat diri. Aku bahkan pernah membahasakan sikapku ini kayak gini; "my life is priority spelled backward."
Kayak, if the result is unclear, I hesitate to do my best. But I want to stop this toxic trait. I want to change, I want to be a better version of me. I want to do my best in everything without hesitation... Because today, after finishing my presentation and discussion with Pak Singgih, I finally realized what I want to do;
Aku pengen tetep di Temanggung; ngajar Bahasa Inggris atau lanjut di sini di Spedagi, terus buka usaha catering sama Mama di rumah, merealisasikan "brownies in the besek", dan menjual keripik talas kemasan kertas... sambil jadi penulis lepas, aktif pelayanan di gereja, dll dll dll~~~
